i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
