If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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