Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
