I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just cut my nipple shaving
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
My feet surprised me
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