Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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