he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
