Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
