operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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