What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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