oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
