brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
