i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
