i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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