I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
