dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
