The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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