Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
