i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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