you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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