you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
