8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
