Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just pee around me
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
