Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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