stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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