textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
