Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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