i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
