did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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