All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just saw a hot homeless man
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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