My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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