FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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