he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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