She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
