So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
