My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
