my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
