I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Randomize
