opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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