hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
