I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
