I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
