I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
