cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
