everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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