i think my tv is drunk
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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