That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
