Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
