Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
