not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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