I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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