The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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