Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
