there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
