Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She's like a pop up book from hell.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
