Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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