the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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