Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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