I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize