If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
